Self-Doubt and Me

Have you ever struggled with self-doubt?  I know that I have.  Most of my life, who am I kidding, I STILL struggle with self-doubt.  This is the origin of my struggle.  When I was a child, as I said in my last blog, my mother made me believe that I could fly.  My mother always told me that I was smart, strong, and handsome.  However, I looked up to people other than my mother, and seeking their approval as well, I took their words as truth.  Everything that my mother told me about myself, those people seemed to undo.  For example, if I brought home a good report card, that report card was never as good as the report card of someone they knew.  If I sang, to them, I was okay, but the fourth tenor at the top of the rafters sitting in the middle of the row was always better.  If I was given a compliment, they would immediately say, “yeah, but he needs to lose weight, gain weight, be taller, be shorter, etc.”  To this day, I’ve never been told anything good about myself from those people.  Despite what they may have thought about me, I still considered them heroes.  My entire life, I sought their approval.  Seeking their approval came at an extraordinary price to my self-worth.  I second guess just about everything.  Despite the fact I know I’m good at what I do professionally, I sit quietly while others are promoted while using my work for their benefit.  Personally, I allowed the feelings, beliefs, and ideas of others to trump my own.  I would quietly sit back and allow them to present their feelings, beliefs, and ideas as truth because I didn’t trust my own.  I soon began to grow tired of being tired.  I slowly found my voice.  I slowly (I’m still going slow) began to feel that I, too, am important. I’m slowly learning not to doubt myself.  I’m slowly growing to be okay with me.  I’m not great, I’m just okay.  This is how I did it.  I told myself that I had to be willing to love myself even if it felt like no one else did.  I became willing to tell myself many of the things that I never heard from my heroes.  I had to learn how to embrace myself when no one else would.  I realized that the person looking back at me in the mirror was the person I spent most of my time with, so I had to take care of him just as I have tried to take care of others.  I began to realize that I was born with purpose.  I am not a mistake.  Sometimes, things happen in this thing we call life that knock you down.  However, we must always be quick to begin again.  I am beginning again.  I’m no longer going to allow the fear of the unknown be an impediment on what I am capable of growing to know.  Self-doubt is the enemy of progress, and fear is the destroyer of growth.  I know that now. To you, I will say, “what’s holding you back?”  Is it money?  Is it fear?  Is it your friends and family?  Is it you?  Don’t be afraid.  Listen to the voice in your heart.  The voice is your head sometimes lies to you because your mind is afraid too.  Listen to your heart.  In my opinion, that’s where the best of you lives.  No matter what you’ve been through, your heart still has hope.  There is NOTHING wrong with you.  You were born with a purpose.  You were born to make manifest of all the power that exists inside of you.  Your life may be destined to save the lives of others.  I have always wanted my life to mean something.  I know you do too.  Who knows, maybe together, we can all figure this thing out.  Until then, I’m here if you need me.  Again, I’m hueman.  I know you are too.  If you need to talk, I’m here.  I have a friend who’s on the verge of a terrible divorce, and I want her to know that while it hurts like hell right now, everything is going to be okay.  You will survive this because your life didn’t begin with your spouse, nor will it end if they leave.  What they can’t see right now is that they’re walking away from the best thing that will probably ever happen to them.  When love comes again, and it will, don’t make it pay for a debt that it doesn’t owe.  Follow your heart friend.  Gee.

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