Changing

Okay, so my memories are getting the best of me. I’m doing my very best to focus on tomorrow, but honestly, yesterday seems so warm and safe.  I know everything about yesterday.  I know it’s perils, it’s unforgettable memories, and all of the things that I’m having a really difficult time moving past.  Yesterday.  Yesterday, I let go of a love that I thought would never end. I really believed that I was on the road to forever.  Turns out, I was on the corner of “a little while” and “temporary turnpike.” It’s my fault.  I’m so afraid of change that when I feel myself changing, I run to yesterday.  Yesterday, I let go of a love that I thought would never end.  It’s my fault.  I realize that I’ve said that twice, but hopefully, repeating it allows you to understand how I feel.  I lost my mother, I left my home, I didn’t fight hard enough for love as it walked down the sidewalk, and I didn’t spend enough time strengthening my mirror twin.  Today, the amalgamation of those things have left me here.  Today doesn’t compare to yesterday because I’m afraid of what may happen.  Why?  I’m afraid of having my heart break another time.  I don’t even know if I can take another heartbreak.  I don’t know if I can take the joys of a warm and vibrant bed, and inevitably, have it revert to the cold and still bed that I’ve grown so familiar with.  I don’t know if I can take turning my house keys left, pushing the door, and having love, life, and all the things that I lost during the war of my fears leaving me again.  I don’t know if I can take going from we to me again.  I’m so afraid.  I really am.  My job, my things, my education, and the vacations that I try to take mean nothing without love.  I’d rather go to the flea market with love than fly to Paris alone. There isn’t a selfie or post in the world that compares to love.  It doesn’t.  You may see me smiling in photographs, but what you don’t see is what happens after the flash ends.  I’ve been trying to heal this pain for decades, and it seems that it only grows deeper.  I’m really trying to love me more, but it’s hard when I miss the feeling of we.  We were greater than I am.  We gave me purpose.  Me only seems to have a pulse.  I miss we.  I’m going to stop being so afraid of change.  Tonight, I’m going to unlock the door that’s been closed on my heart.  I’m going to take the flag down from the box that has prevented so many potential love letters from entering. I’m even going to turn my light on.  I’m going to stop being so afraid of change.  I want to change.  I have made so many mistakes, and I have so many casualties from the wars of love.  I’ve learned my lesson.  I have seen the errors of my ways.  I see. I want to change.  I’m going to change.  I’m changing.  I’m changing……

As always, this week, do something to make the day of someone else better for no reason at all.  Who knows, you just might change the world.  Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us.  Patrick

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