War of the Heart and Mind

At times, it seems that my mind has a heart of it’s own.  Inversely, at times, it seems that my heart has a mind of it’s own.  Throughout most of my life, my mind and my heart have been at war with one another.  My heart has seemingly been on a quest for passion, love, truth, and the essence of everything that makes this thing called life worth living.  My mind has sought stability, security, accomplishment, overcoming obstacles, and lastly, more stuff.  Here’s the thing; while my mind’s goals are good for stability, often times, it’s left my heart empty and longing.  Once upon a time, I met the “perfect” woman.  On paper, everything about her was amazing.  She was, and still is, a good woman.  However, she wasn’t good for me, nor was I for her.  When we were together, I sometimes tried to force my heart to beat in the tune of us, but it never did.  I felt so guilty about that.  Often times, I tried to convince myself that because she was so good, my true joy would be found through her.  Ultimately, my true joy was never found because my heart gave my body an ultimatum; leave now, or I’ll never beat or be the same.  I followed my heart.  My heart led me to a woman that my mind had doubts about.  Simply put, my eyes began the motion, my body confirmed the motion, and my heart moved for us to pass to a stage called we.  Funny thing, my mind and heart were sometimes in sync with one another.  However, their cease fire didn’t last for long.  The deeper my heart fell, the more my mind toiled.  My heart was full while my mind was wandering about the future.  In the end, my mind gave my body an ultimatum; leave now, or you will forever view the man who looks back at you in the mirror as a failure because he’ll never know what you could have become.  I followed my mind.

Here I am today.  I’ve got a few degrees that hang on my wall, I’ve got a decent vehicle outside, my closet is pretty nice, and I guess it’s safe to say that life’s okay.  Here’s the thing; it’s not.  My life seems like a knife that can’t cut through freshly baked bread.  My food has no seasoning, and my career seems like a job.  I’ve got one regret that sticks out in my mind.  My regret? I should have listened to my heart.  My mind seems to long for things that can be bought, sold, or both.  What good is my retirement account when I have no one to live with and for?  What good is a house with five bedrooms if the only one that calls it home is me?  What good is an 850 beacon score if you don’t have love?  For far too long, I aligned my ideas of love with the beliefs of people who never really had it.  I have allowed the input, output, and guidance of others to take me so far from happy that I began to forget what it felt like.  When I was younger, I guess it’s safe to say that I had to worry about what others may have thought because I may have needed them at some point and time.  Now that I am a man, who cares?  I sure don’t.  When my heart decides to get out of it’s funk, we’re going to make an agreement with one another.  We’re going to agree that while the mind is good for stability, a stable heart is sometimes worth an unstable mind.  I will let love lead the way.  I will follow.  The next time my heart moves, I’m going to hold on to love like it’s the last time it’s going to come.  Who knows?  It just might be.  Right now, I’m just not strong enough to say or accept that love may never come again.  I truly hope that I’m wrong.  I know that I’m wrong………..

This week, do something for someone else for no other reason that to make their day better.  This week, give something away to someone who needs it more than you.  Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us.  Patrick

2 thoughts on “War of the Heart and Mind

  1. Christine April 17, 2018 / 10:50 am

    You talk about love so much, I want you to find it, stop running from it. Money and prestige is only a name that makes fake people get closer to you. Follow your heart and your moral standards. Our past does shape who we are today but it doesn’t mean that we can’t mold it to become different and to be the very best we can be; if you are truly a good person who helps others in need and you are trying to do what God wants you to do the right person will see that, stop running. I’m mad at you cause you haven’t came into Firebirds for months, what’s up with that!😊

    Like

  2. April Weems April 23, 2018 / 9:51 am

    Well said! Follow your heart…life is short.

    Like

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