For quite some time, I’ve been trying to outrun my demons. However, it seems that they attend a gym with a better qualified trainer. These demons have kept me stuck in regret. In it’s purest form, the prefix “re” means backwards. Words such as retrospect, regress, rethink, rescind, reconsider, etc. all imply taking some form of a step back. So does regret. Regret is both unfair and unforgiving. I have spent so many years on regret that it has directly affected my progress. I’m trying. Recently, someone that means a great deal to me looked into my eyes and asked me about me. I didn’t even know how to respond. I was asked about the sadness that I spend so much time trying to conceal. I was asked how I felt. I was asked and not told. I felt like I mattered. I was instantly snapped out of regret and placed in the now. Now, this is where I am. This is probably going to be the last post that I ever write that deals with yesterday. I was told that in order to go forward, it is important that I don’t look backwards. I was told that in order to be good for anyone, I must first be good with, and for me. I was told that healing is possible. Here’s the thing; I believed them. While I lay awake watching the ceiling watch me, I began to think of all of the ways that I was going to change. You see, yesterday was both my friend and my enemy simultaneously. I real friend often forgets the things that hurt and always remembers the things that heal. Regret is not my friend. I am going to let my mother’s spirit rest easily with the knowledge that her son is okay. Mama, I love you, but it’s time for your son to start loving himself a little bit more. I am going to understand that growth and pride aren’t always partners. I’m not going to be as afraid as I’ve been in the past. I’m an expert at advising and a novice at practicing. Your best life IS on the opposite of fear. My best life is on the opposite side of fear. Although a four letter word, love, in it’s purest form doesn’t offend. Therefore, I won’t let this emotion convince my wounded heart to tell my questioning mind that it’s being offended. I am going to open up. Like an old movie theater, I’ve been closed down too long. It’s time to turn the lights on and allow new films to be written and shown. For quite some time, I’ve been waiting to feel like it’s okay to be myself. I want to be a good man for me. I want to be a good man for a family. That’s important. I am going to dance. I am going to plan. I am going to grow. I am going to be okay with the reflection I see in the mirror. I am going to forgive me. I wasn’t grounded, I was anchored. There’s a difference. If I was grounded, I would understand the terrain, and in knowing that, I could circumvent the snares in pursuit of the fruits of joy. I am anchored, so it doesn’t matter how much I try, my movement is confined to the weight that keeps me on the ground. I’m going to cut myself from that anchor. Life is short, and I don’t want to waste another second of mine. I matter. I am not a mistake. I am not the abortion my mother should have had. I am more than my mistakes. I am greater than my failures. I am stronger than my fears. I am worthy of love. I am worth of family. I matter. Perhaps, now that I am growing to recognize this in me, I will finally give my feet permission to travel to the places that my mind has only dreamed about. If you find yourself stuck in the mistakes of your past, understand this, yesterday is jealous of tomorrow. There is nothing that you can do about yesterday, but today, work to ensure that tomorrow is a little brighter. As you grow comfortable with your warmth and light, please share and shine until the world understands that love is the most powerful force on earth. With love, anything is possible. Flaws and all, I am going to learn to love all of me. Patrick.
As always, this week, please do something to help someone else for no reason at all other than to make their lives a bit better. Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us.