The Teflon Heart

Last week, I wrote that I will write less about my past and more about my future.  I guess it’s safe to say that I am going to go back in order to go forward today.  As I have written, the experiences of my past have had an indelible mark on my current perspectives and behaviors.  Today, I seek things that bring me joy, and I try to avoid things that bring me pain.  In the past, in order to exist as “painlessly” as I possibly could, I developed a Teflon heart.  What is the Teflon heart?  The Teflon heart is the heart that is so guarded and protected that it rarely lets anyone or anything in because entries could possibly lead to destruction.  The Teflon heart convinces the questioning mind that everything is okay.  The Teflon heart tells the questioning mind that they are both blessed because they are able to work in conjunction with one another because I woke up this morning.  The Teflon heart is only dedicated to protecting and preserving what’s left of my fragile heart.  Here’s the thing; the Teflon heart wasn’t helping me, it was hurting me.  To feel pain is horrible.  To feel nothing is worse.  I have existed feeling nothing.  My soul felt numb.  The Teflon heart was working, but it felt like a safe with nothing in it.  Honestly, I have never wanted to exist without sharing my heart with someone.  I have never wanted to vacation alone.  I have never wanted to sleep alone.  As I have said before, I believe that a cold and still bed is cruel.  Again, I have never wanted to exist alone.  However, in order for me to avoid the very things that I feared, I had to do something about my Teflon heart.  Therefore, I decided that I was going to let a little light in.  I did.  The warmth of the light did something to my spirit.  It made me feel things that I both feared and desired. It made me look forward to the next day with hope rather than the familiar “sameness” that I had grown so accustomed to.  My heart filled with feeling.  It also made me afraid.  I am still afraid.  Although I am afraid, I would rather let love in and be wounded than maintain my Teflon heart and feel nothing but emptiness.  Today, my heart is ablaze with hope, anticipation, happiness (can you believe that?), and yes, something else that I am afraid to mention because it is too fragile to speak.  For if I speak it, it will become a whisper.  If it becomes a whisper, it will become a bold proclamation.  If I proclaim it, it will become a roar.  If it becomes a roar, it will be my mantle.  I really do want the mantle.  So, life is good.  For me, looking forward is strange, because I have always feared the road ahead because I was so comfortable with the roads behind.  It didn’t matter that those roads were full of potholes, dead ends, road blocks, and stop signs, I was very familiar with them, so in a very dark way, I was comfortable.  Those roads only seemed to take me to the same place; the corner of nowhere and hopelessness.  The road ahead has rest areas for when my heart grows weary, exits that have life and experiences, and directional maps for all of the places my heart has always wanted to go.  Metaphorically speaking, I am on this road with the sunroof open, Miles Davis on the radio, and all of the windows down.  I am enjoying this ride, and even if it ends, I am a lot further than I would have been if I continued to stay on the same old road.  Love is scary, but it is worth the risk.  Today, I know that if my heart dies again, it still desires to try again.  I want to live.  I mean I want to really live.  I want to, no, I’m going to be the man that I have always dreamed about becoming.  In order to do that, I had to get rid of my Teflon heart.  Now, I realize that some may say that the Teflon heart is fashionable, but some things are timeless.  I consider love to be one of them.  If your heart is moving inside of the Teflon that conceals it, remove the lock and break the mold.  The only way for any wound to heal is to expose it to both light and air.  Trust me, it’s scary.  However, it is so worth it. Who knows? You just might turn your existence into a real life…..Until next time, Patrick.

As always, this week do something for someone else for no reason at all other than to make their day better.  Also, if you get to where you’re going, don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us.  Oh yeah, if you break the lock and the mold for the Teflon that contains your heart, please leave a manual for those who don’t quite know how to do it.  You just might change the world…….

2 thoughts on “The Teflon Heart

  1. Annmarie Thompson August 14, 2018 / 2:37 pm

    Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts. As I read, I felt the hope and anticipated joy that awaits you. You definitely deserve complete happiness and unbounded love in your life time.

    I wish your success in this area of your life.

    Like

    • Hueman Movement August 14, 2018 / 2:44 pm

      Annmarie, I am really trying. Thank you so much for your continued support. Knowing that you read my blog each week truly means a great deal to me. It makes me feel heard.

      Like

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