Loving in the Cracks.

I have spent the majority of my life believing that I must be beautiful in order to be loved.  To a very real degree, I found it exhausting.  It was exhausting trying to keep up with fashion trends.  It was exhausting trying to be the person I thought everyone liked much more than me.  It was exhausting.  When the parties were over, I would go home and remove my costume and mask and find both ease and comfort in being naked.  My problem; although comfortable, I was having a very difficult time dealing with my cracks.  I know this about myself; I am a very sensitive man.  My emotions and I are one.  With that being said, we are always in touch with one another.  Getting back to my previous statement, my comfort with my emotions often put me in positions of discomfort when I was in the presence of people or groups that I wanted to be associated with.  It was exhausting.  The things that I really thought, I would not say.  The things that I really wanted to do would often go undone for the “sake” of “our” enjoyment.  Because that was often the case, I would often times try to convince myself that this was all a part of the process of becoming happy.  It wasn’t.  Once upon a time, I met someone that I found too beautiful for me.  Despite my own insecurities and fears, I pursued anyway.  One evening, as we spoke while drinking our favorite spirits, my mask fell off.  When I reached down to pick up my mask, my costume tore.  She saw the real me.  She looked at me and said,”you do that too?”  Too?  Too would imply that you do it as well.  I laughed as I often do when either shy or uncertain and tried to change the subject.  I quickly learned that she did not want to change the subject.  Now, let me say this, alcohol will give a coward the nerves of a gladiator.  After a few more drinks, I told her my truths.  I told her all of them.  In fact, I told her the truths that my soul wouldn’t give my mouth the permission to let out.  I told her all of them.  After telling her these truths, I waited for her to either leave, laugh, or judge.  She did neither of them.  She looked at me and told me that she understood.  Love in the cracks.  As you already know, I am recently beginning to accept and love me.  So, to experience the phenomena that someone could love my cracks was mind blowing.  My entire perspective of love is different as a result of that experience.  I am not ugly and undeserving of love.  In fact, my cracks are the metaphorical caulk that’s kept my life and being together for all of these years.  You see, extreme sorrow and unforgettable bliss are soulmates.  Neither can exist without the other.  I never learned to accept and bury my sorrow.  I simply put them on a raft and pushed them out to sea.  The problem with that was the tides of life kept bringing them back.  I had to deal with that.  I’m still dealing with that.  However, I now know that we should never pretend to be someone that we are not.  Honestly, if you have to be someone else in order to be accepted by anyone, it never happened to you.  I firmly believe that.  I was loved in the cracks.  Not only was I taught the freedom of not wearing the mask and costume, in turn, I sought someone who was walking as their true selves as well.  The thing that I never understood about my cracks is that they were actually the map to my heart.  With that being said, if you ever really want to know if someone loves you for who you are, show them your cracks.  There is no need to hide, be shameful or fearful of who you are.  Because we are all different people, the paths to our hearts are different.  However, please know that the cracks serve as the maps.  What an extraordinary route….Patrick

I hope you’re being kind, patient, and good this week.  We need love now more than ever.  Help someone see that although it seems dark right now, there are some shooting stars that continue to light the dark skies.  As always if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us.

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