Hope and Healing

I don’t have fitness goals for 2019.  I am finally at the point where I am satisfied with my physique.  I have no quarrels with the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I’m okay.  My biggest problem has always been the civil war that exists inside of me.  I have endured a continuous war between my heart and my mind.  Needless to say, my mind has suffered greatly, and as a result, I have often questioned the intentions of my heart.  I am tired of hurting.  I am tired of looking back towards yesterday in order to feel something today.  I’m tired.  This year, I am going to legitimately work towards inner healing.  I have lived as a hollow man for quite some time, and I am finally ready to fill that hollow space with healing, hope, and self-forgiveness.  As time has passed, I have served too much time residing in the prison of my own mind.  No more.  You see, I have grown quite comfortable with my prison because it’s well decorated, and I have filled it with everything that I could possible want.  However, it doesn’t have many of the things that I need.  I need to be whole.  I need to be healthy.  I deserve to be happy.  Recently, I have done a great deal of thinking about my future.  Getting older is funny because I find myself thinking less about things I want to buy and more about the person that I’d like to be.  I want to dance more.  I really enjoy dancing, and to be honest, the simultaneous movement of my body and the music does something magical to my spirit.  I want to learn how to fry chicken.  Funny right?  How can a Black Man not know how to fry chicken?  I’ll tell you how; I never had to.  I always had my mother or someone else do it for me.  I want to skydive.  I want to feel what it is like to soar through the sky if only for a brief moment.  I want to finish my book.  Yes, I am almost done with my book.  I want to finish it not because I want to become a best seller, but because I want to experience the wonderful feeling of completion.  I want to buy a home.  Yes, a home.  I want to buy a place where I can lay my heart, mind, hopes, fears, and dreams without fear of any of them being walked on or disregarded.  I want to make real friends.  Real friends.  I’m talking about the type of friends that I can sit and do absolutely nothing with or experience everything with.  I’m talking about the type of friends that can show up unannounced because they are always welcome.  Real friends.  I want to be a better father.  For far too long, my children have been casualties of the war that I have been fighting with myself.  I want to be the father that I wish I had.  I want my children to be proud that I am their father not because I am able to buy them some of the things they want, but because they are happy with what we have; love.  I am healing.  I’m telling you; letting go is crazy because every day, a part of me feels lighter and less consumed.  I am healing.  Who would have ever thought that the boy who couldn’t live without his mother would one day become a man that truly lived despite the snares and traps designed to keep him?  I never thought that I could do it, but I am.  To those I have hurt, I have continually apologized.  For the first time, I have apologized to myself for wasting so much time trying to convince people to love me who never had any intentions on doing so.  I’m healing.  If you speak to me and realize that there is something very different about me, there is.  I’m healing……

This week, please do something to help someone other than yourself for no reason at all other than to make their lives better.  As always, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forgive to leave a map for the rest of us.  Patrick

One thought on “Hope and Healing

  1. Annmarie Thompson January 9, 2019 / 7:58 pm

    Thank you for your thoughts. I look forward to reading your book.

    Like

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