Four Squares.

Ok, so here I am.  I’m going through another day of social isolation, and honestly, I’ve had enough even though I know I need to do more.  Because the Universe has decided to sit us all down at the same time, seemingly, it’s like the sounds of my daily life have gone silent while the volume on my most inner thoughts have been turned all the way up.  I’m thinking.  Singleness in the face of isolation begets incredible understanding.  You want some intimacy?  Here we go.  I am beginning to fall in love with me.  If you’ve read this blog more than once, you will know that I once wrote a piece about self-acceptance.  For the first time in my life, my self-acceptance is beginning to transcend to self-love.  I’m actually beginning to fall in love with me.  You see, once upon a time, I never truly felt like me until I felt like we.  In short, I thought that I needed a relationship in order to feel complete.  I never felt complete.  I have shared my bed, body, and beliefs (some), but I have never really shared my soul, truths, and dreams.  Not really.  Why?  I was always afraid of being judged.  I was always so afraid of being wrong.  I was always so afraid of being condemned.  I was always so afraid of being alone.  I have been judged, wrong, condemned, and alone.  You see, it doesn’t matter what you do, until you do what you do as you, you will never truly be happy.  For me, there was always something missing.  When I was here, I missed there.  When I was there, I missed here.  What I missed most of all was the very thing that I should have been pursuing the entire time; me.  When you grow up like I did, your entire perspective on the future is almost the entire opposite of your reality.  While I was planning on living in better homes, driving better cars, attending better schools, and living in better neighborhoods, my heart decided that it was going to stick around for a while.  Here’s the truth, I like fried chicken with a little too much salt and way too much hot sauce.  I’d rather play craps that golf. I like to turn the music in my car up so loud that I’m praying the speakers can handle it.  I LOVE to keep my sneakers clean.  I like to listen to slow music when I talk to someone that I’m really feeling.  I think the best fried fish sandwiches are always purchased in the “worst” neighborhoods.  I love making something out of nothing, and more importantly, those that have done it on a major scale are my heroes.  I like my women with more curves than bones.  In fact, if I could run my finger across her body, I hope it feels like a roller coaster rather than a single slope.  I like women with full lips, brown skin, thick thighs, thick hair, and painted fingernails.  I like women that can drink Boone’s Farm with the same style as they drink some of the best liquor in the world.  I am from the neighborhood, and I am completely in love with women that, if they’ve never experienced it, can love me enough to try and understand it.  Lately, I’ve been struggling with whether I’m pursing joy or wealth.  Joy and Wealth.  Here’s the thing with joy and wealth; you will always have more of one than the other.  If you have great wealth, will you have great joy?  If you have great joy, will the lack of great wealth even matter?  I don’t know.  Moving forward, I am going to love me.  Because I am falling in love with me, like a family member that I love, I will not allow anyone to hurt the him known as me.  At least not purposefully.  I now understand that when you love someone, you’ve got to keep pushing.  Because life is all about peaks and valleys, so is love.  I now understand that I couldn’t love them completely because I wasn’t done becoming me.  The me that I was with them and the me that I now know don’t even know one another.  I’ve changed into me.  Getting back to the question that has literally been keeping me up at night, I choose joy.  Now that the shackles are off, let’s see what happens.  I am on the verge of living the greatest love story ever told.  I promise to keep you posted….Patrick

Crazy times Man….This week, please stay safe and stay home in order to do something for someone else other than yourself because we need to make this world inhabitable again.  The air that once gave us life now brings death.  We have to diligently work hard to change that.  It’s not about politics, it’s about people.  It’s about animals.  It’s about Earth.  It’s about us.  We can beat this, but it’s going to take we.  Instead of pointing a finger, can someone please point the way?  We need each other now.  We need to get back to life.  When we get back to life, let’s all share our maps and change the direction of the world…..If we don’t, we will continue to be confined to these four squares.

One thought on “Four Squares.

  1. Annmarie April 25, 2020 / 1:46 am

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hang in there, we will make it through this.

    Liked by 1 person

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