The Follower.

Love is a lesson, and the ultimate lessons are based in love.  As I have failed, I have learned.  You see, love is taught.  I don’t want to be misunderstood.  What I mean is that the feeling of love is innate, as it is connected to the Creator of the Universe and the Universe simultaneously.  However, how to love is taught.  I must admit, I didn’t have the best classes on love as a child.  I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve failed.  However, my failures were never greater than my desire to both give, and receive love.  With each heartbreak, I grew wiser.  With each closed door, I grew stronger.  Through each phone call that ceased to come, I guess that I grew colder.  The thing about loneliness is this; it’s not hard being alone.  It’s hard being disconnected.  I’ve been disconnected for so long that I’m beginning to believe that connections are fictional in nature.  However, like a child who still anticipates the magic of December 24th, I hope and wait.  I’ve seen the dark side of love.  I’ve seen love that costs too much money, too little time, far too little understanding, and even less compassion.  Outside of my mother, I have no experience with infinite love.  I’m tired.  I can’t buy another outfit, write another song, buy another car, make another post, or ascend to another position in order to feel like I’m special enough to be loved.  I just can’t.  I want to wear the same clothes, sing the same songs, drive the same car, read my old posts, and remain where I am while receiving love at the same time.  Although not impossible, I’m beginning to believe that it’s highly improbable.  I’m not quite sure if it’s age, experience, or expectations, but I’m beginning to feel that the world is moving too fast in the opposite direction for me.  I hate being politically correct, and I’m not fast or interested enough to keep up with the trends.  I live in a really nice neighborhood, and I have no idea who my neighbors are.  As we greet each other, we smile.  However, we are close strangers.  Friendship is nothing more than a familiar face at a local watering hole.  We never really talk, and we have never been together outside of the watering hole.  Disconnected…  Yes, I’m disconnected.  Where did I stop?  When did I stop believing the same, or similar things as everyone else?  Why did the lies I either told myself or the lies that were told to me exposed?  I have become a successful failure.  I find myself missing yesterday so much that today is often times mediocre at best.  I have so much to say, yet there is no one to say it to.  I have so many things that I want to do, but it seems that there is no one to do them with.  I can’t plan, schedule, or talk about another plan any longer.  I’m not waiting on another leader, and I am not a follower.  As an outsider who’s forced to observe a world that doesn’t include him, it feels like everyone is happy with being a follower desperately searching for a new leader.  Me, I am a rebel.  My thoughts, feelings, actions, and perceptions are mine.  I am free.  However, the problem with being one of the only free men in a land of the mentally confined is loneliness.  The hardest thing about loneliness isn’t being alone.  The hardest thing about loneliness is feeling disconnected.  I am disconnected.  It feels as though my cord has been severed.  Yet, there is a light that burns inside of me that compels me to hold on.  As the world around me grows darker and colder, it seems that this internal light burns brighter.  When the world is cold, it speaks with great anticipation about a story that is yet to be written.  My experiences have left icy patches on my heart, but somehow, this fire still burns.  My mind always tries to convince me that I shouldn’t believe in the light, but it’s beams always overshadow the darkness.  I am holding on to the light because being alone in a home full of everything that I wanted is no longer sufficient when I’m emotionally deficient.  Despite my experiences, I still choose love.  I am me.  I accept me.  This is me.  I am enough….Patrick

As always, this week, please do something for someone other than yourself for no reason at all other than to make their lives better.  Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us.  Always Choose Love…

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