Because I have experienced many storms in my life, I have found that many of the relationships in my life have been like windshield wipers; intermittent. If I haven’t spoken to you in a while, please know that there is nothing wrong. In fact, things are beginning to grow and feel right. You see, as I have have begun to meditate, I have begun to recognize what I’m actually searching for. I want Family. You will notice that I didn’t say “a” family. I said Family. To me, Family is a mixture of blood, experiences, understanding, and most importantly, love. I believe that people who don’t look like you can be members of your Family regardless of race, socioeconomic status, religion, or sexual preference. I spoke to my sister yesterday. I guess it’s safe to say that she hasn’t changed. What she doesn’t know is that I have. While this may seem impossible or ridiculous to some, this is my truth. Other than my Mother, no one in my birth family has ever asked me a single question about myself. They have never asked me where I live, work, lounge, or aspire to be. Never. I have full brothers that I have never spoken to on the phone. In fact, they have never even asked for my phone number. In this age of technology, it seems impossible to be out of touch. However, we have always been out of touch. In a recent post, I wrote, “I have been handcuffed to the hope that you will one day love me for so long that my recently freed wrist feels heavy.” That was not about romance. That was about family. I have always wanted to belong, but I have never felt as though I did. I always wanted to talk about my day, but I never got the opportunity to do so. I always wanted my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and every other “holiday” to be special enough to include me. They never were. If you know me personally, you know that I HATE the idea of birthday parties for me. Why? Because I have never had a birthday party, I have no idea what it feels like to be the center of attention. At this stage in my life, just the thought of being the center of attention causes me great anxiety because I have never experienced it. Normally, my birthdays are nice and quiet. That’s what I’m most comfortable with. I have been the friend who always picks up while many of my phone calls go straight to voicemail. I have been the person who was often times ready and able to pick up “friends” even though when I was in need, taxis, Uber, or Lyft were the only friends that I could call. I have been the steady shoulder for tears while my own tears fell to the ground. When the footprints of the “friends” that once occupied that space broke my heart, dreams grew in their place. As odd as it may seem, I was comfortable with being the afterthought. I’m going to roll the dice on discomfort. Like most rolls of dice, nothing is guaranteed. However, I hope that my number comes up. I am speaking love, laughter, passion, and most importantly Family into existence. Yesterday, my sister went on and on about her life. As I did when I was a child, I listened. She had so much advice for my life, yet she never asked me about my life. “Family is all that you have,” she said. If that’s the case, I can honestly say that I have nothing. I have been thrown away by so many people throughout the course of my life that I really don’t expect anyone to stay. I’m far more comfortable with goodbyes than I am with hellos. Comfort. I’m going to sit in discomfort until the uncomfortable not only feels comfortable, but expected. I am worthy of Family. I have rivers that flow through me. I am a good friend. I am a good listener. I am a good person, and most importantly, I am a Hueman. I, too, deserve love without the fear or anxiety of loss. As I meditate, I understand. As I understand, I accept. As I accept, I grow. Although it seems so far away, I know that the Family that’s waiting for me is closer than I think…..Patrick
As always, this week, please do something for someone other than yourself for no reason at all other than to make their lives better. Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us. Always Choose Love….