It’s Monday morning, and I’m still dealing with the fact that DMX is no longer with us. His passing has really affected me because I can identify with him. I understand the long term effects of childhood trauma. I understand that money will never be able to buy happiness. I understand that sometimes the only way to cope with the demons in your mind is to weaken them with alcohol and “medication.” I understand that some of the people that you call friend don’t consider you the same. I also understand that some of the people that you call family don’t consider you the same. When DMX prayed, something inside of my soul always seemed to stir. I could feel God listening as he prayed. Sadly, he is no longer with us. How I hope that he could smell his flowers while he was alive… In addition to DMX, I also lost a very, very, good friend about two weeks ago. Like Dark Man X, I feel that he was taken too soon. Even though we hadn’t spoken in a while, I never believed or conceived that we would never speak again. I loved him, and I knew that he loved me. While I was running from my past, I found myself running away from the people who once brought me so much joy, and for that, I am so sorry and sad. Today, he exists in a place that is void of pain, pressure, sadness, and internal/external war. Because I was given the gift of today, I am compelled to carry on. There has been so much going on in my world, so I apologize for not writing. A couple of weeks ago, I had an anxiety attack that I was confusing with a heart attack. There, I said it. I had an anxiety attack that I was confusing with a heart attack. Quietly and politely, I have been carrying so many metaphorical bags in my mind, my mind reminded me that I can’t carry any more. Therefore, it forced me to focus on me and my own mental health. I have never experienced anything so frightening in my entire life. My palms began to sweat to the point that they glistened. My heart began to beat as though it was trying to escape my chest. The things that once brought me great joy and peace became sources of fear and uncertainty. I immediately went to my doctor, and it was confirmed that I had an anxiety attack. As I am writing this, I am still trying to overcome. I know that I have eluded to this before, but I am not sure how many days I have ahead of me. The one thing that my anxiety attack taught me is that sometimes Love is you loving yourself enough to say I’ve had enough. Sometimes, Love is you giving yourself the room and permission to let go of some of the furniture and decorative items that have so many wonderful memories. Consistently looking at joy in retrospect can be damaging to the mind and heart. Prior to my anxiety attack, I didn’t fully realize that I had stopped laughing and living. I didn’t realize that I was on auto-pilot. I didn’t realize that I have missed so much beautiful scenery and memories. My anxiety attack has forced me to refocus. In the past, I have consistently written that Love is all that you need. Today, I am beginning to understand that Love sometimes isn’t enough. Sometimes, Love requires directions too. Sometimes, Love needs to be grounded and reminded that there is still much to do. As much as Love is about warmth and security, it must also be stern and strong enough to allow you to venture into the unknown in search of your own inner beauty and light. I am beginning to understand that if Love requires me to compromise or withhold all of me, it can’t possibly be completely real. Why? If I’m not being completely real, how can it possibly be real? I have decided that I am going to look at the same world with different eyes. I am going to let a little light in at every possible opportunity. I am beginning to understand that the only way to know that Love is actually Love is to actually be me. So, I am no longer able to carry bags that don’t belong to me. I am no longer able to be the only member of the family that makes phone calls while also simultaneously being the only family member that doesn’t receive any phone calls. I am no longer able to offer assistance or advice at this time because I am now in need. I am no longer able to borrow from parts of my heart that haven’t fully developed because my working parts are in great need. In the past, I have written about getting to the point where I could accept myself. I have done that. I am now transitioning to the place of Self-Love. If the embers of Love never burn brightly for me again, I have decided that I will allow all of the beautiful things inside and about me to keep me warm. As I continue to fight for the courage to conquer my own fears, I am also thanking God for allowing this to happen to me. I am no longer on auto-pilot. I am officially in control of this flight, so I will now be enjoying and appreciating all of the wonderful things I experience along the way…..Patrick
As always, this week, please do something for someone other than yourself for no other reason than to make their lives better. Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us. Always Choose Love Because Love Changes Everything.