It’s Saturday, and I must admit, it’s been quite some time since I last wrote a blog. I’ve been moving, living, and sincerely trying to gain new aspects of this thing that we call life. Life. Like a World Series baseball game, life is notorious for throwing curve balls. Now, when we often think of curve balls, it’s easy to confuse them with negativity. However, that isn’t always the case. Some curve balls are absolutely wonderful. Recently, I had a wonderful curve ball thrown my way, but like a skittish batter, I’m trying to hit a home run while also trying to avoid getting hit and hurt. You see, as you have read my words, you understand that I am oh too familiar with disappointment. Honestly, I’ve seemingly braced myself for disappointment more times that I have prepared myself for wonder. Truthfully, the disappointments that I’ve experienced in my life began with my experiences with others and ended with the expectations that I had set for myself. As India Arie so eloquently wrote, “one shot to the heart without breaking the skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin.” I get that. However, at some point, I had to learn how to move on. In the process of moving on, I found myself constantly bracing for disappointment. The truth of the matter is that I never really expected most to stay. I recently learned a wonderful analogy about inner light. As an African American Man, we love to say that we’re shining when we are doing well. In fact, often times, when I run into people, I am told, “I see you shining.” I always say thank you. However, I have felt shiny more times than I have felt that I was actually shining. To me, there’s a difference. Shiny means that you look good. Shining means that you are actually accomplishing something good. I have done a few things in my life that have brought me relative success. Yet, I have never really felt that I have created a legacy that has significant value. Why? Disappointment. Yes, disappointment. Many of the people in my life have been renters, and everyone knows that renters never stay for long. Those who should have held the mortgage actually held a lease, and those who I believed were leasing were actually listed on the deed. Wow… Inner light. I learned that those who are closest to you are sometimes so blinded by your inner light, they are seemingly unable to recognize it. Inversely, those who aren’t familiar with you are sometimes able to not only see your light, but also feel it’s warmth. Me, I have been lost in the center of my own light for so long that I have confused it with darkness. Yet, I, too, shine. It has taken years to understand, accept, and actually believe that. Yes, I, too, shine. My disappointments were spiritually rooted in the idea that some things aren’t meant for me. They were instructional tools. Rather than trying to focus and reclaim those things that were never meant for me, I am going to nurture and grow the things that are. I’m not even going to say it, but…(love is definitely on the top of the list.) There, I said it.. Constantly looking back is the metaphorical equivalent of driving in the opposite direction of your job and expecting to arrive on time. Crazy. I’ll leave you with a little poem that I wrote last night. Disappointment is nothing more than the manifestation of your realities falling short of your expectations. My expectations. I’ve always expected love to leave, so when it stayed, I felt disappointed. As it turns out, the things that have disappointed me have actually edified me. I am both beautiful and strong because I never expected to be. I am a living disappointment of a mind that was too broken and shackled to imagine this side of the Sun. I am a beautiful disappointment. I am anointed.. I, too, Shine. Patrick
As always, this week, please do something for someone other than yourself for no reason at all other than to make their lives better. Also, if you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us. Always Choose Love Because Love Changes Everything.