I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been living. I have danced, sang, drank, and lived. I guess it’s safe to say that lately, I’ve been feeling good. My problem with good is that it’s always good until it shows up. What then? What in the hell am I expected to do with good? Good, upon acquisition, is scary as hell because it’s not only unexpected, but also unexperienced. Good. I recently watched a documentary about Whitney Houston, and she described her biggest devil as herself. Is that me? Am I the monster that I’ve been afraid to see when I’m asleep? Maybe.. Honestly, because I’ve been hurt as often as I have, I developed a method of survival that is seemingly impenetrable. And then there’s God…..I will never be God, and with that being said, I also understand that I am not in complete control of my future. I make plans, and God makes decisions. I hope that my plans fit within God’s decisions, and God’s decisions may, or may not include my plans. Life. I’m doing my best to get by. The closer that I get to Love, the more I fear it. I’m afraid of Love leaving me again. When I was younger, perhaps I was stronger. Now that I’m older, I’m not sure if I can bear it leaving another again. I’m afraid. My scars are covered with titles, fashion, and tattoos. Although most can’t see them, I know they’re there. They are my truths, and I’ve been dealing with them for all of my life. My last Love affair almost ended me, but it didn’t. Now, the time has come for me to allow someone to Love me, and I find myself feeling both guilty and afraid? Why do I feel guilty? What am I afraid of? What am I waiting for? What if when is now? I’ve been dealing with these scars all of my life. Honestly, I’m tired of it. I’ve got to unlearn everything that I was ever taught about Love. I’ve got to unlearn my expectations with Love in order to change my experiences with Love. I’ve got to unlearn that nights are better than mornings. I’ve got to unlearn that I’m good alone. While I am good, I’d be not only better, but exceptional with someone in my space that Loved me for no reason at all other than my waking up. So, I’m going to do something with these scars that seem to scream at me when I feel, think, and act in a way that is inconsistent with what I’ve always done. I’ve got to let these scars go. I’m going to let these scars go. I’m open…….Patrick
As always, this week, please do something for someone other than yourself for no reason at all other than to make their lives better. If you make it to where you’re going, please don’t forget to leave a map for the rest of us. Always Choose Love Because Love Changes Everything.